Day 165: Halfway Through the Race

It seems like we left a long time ago, and it also seems like this trip just began. I am only now digging into whatever it is that I am out here to do, and yet I’ve been doing it the whole time.

I have been on the field for 165 days. I know anything can happen and everything probably will and yet somehow, things still shock me. Which brings me to this sweet telling: my honest and unapologetic, halfway-through-the-race update.

RE: the backpack

Every item that was in that unfathomable pile in my bedroom in Seattle that hasn’t been ditched or traded or gifted now has its place in my pack and I know exactly where that place is. Though its weight still mystifies me, I’m utterly amazed that everything I need to survive (& thrive) can be carried on my back. And, utterly amazed that I can carry it, though sometimes the metal rods & screws in my back win against my will (see: back surgery). My backpack is part of me, it’s my inanimate extra limb, my reliable constant.

RE: the team

I come from the west coast (best coast), where the land of California burritos, ski week, In-n-Out, and a gnarly sunrise surf sesh is a foreign concept to my midwestern friends. But now, we’re in this entirely new terrain together, making our home among strangers.

I’m an enneagram 7 – the teammate that thrives on adventure, enthusiasm and fun. I tend to avoid all the feels & hard things, but I’ve learned that’s not really possible on the race. There is no escape or denial, no numbing it down or covering it up. So, I’ve had to stop stalling and burying the feels and instead choose to FEEL them (go figure). It has flooded my lil heart with all kinds of stuff but mostly empathy and resilience. This beautiful reconciliation with my own self allows me to say ‘me too’ because being honest about my pain has made me invincible.

These people KNOW me, and I know them. We talk for hours and hours and HOURS. We make space for each other and we get in each other’s space; we encourage each other and suggest encouraging criticism (out of love, of course). It’s like we’ve known each other forever and I can’t wait to spend forever with them. I care about them. A lot.

Hannah, Jewel and I in Turkey, pc: Elijah

RE: the sanctification process/dying to myself

My life both ended and began when we left the states.

The race, I realized, delicately plucked me from my routine and dropped me in a place where I could stare myself down. Exposed and unfiltered, I faced (and am facing) all that I’ve done to myself and all that has been done to me. And yet, the greatest of these being the simple ‘yes’ to this crazy journey.

I’ve been torn raw and forced with a choice: a sad attempt to cover the mess back up to what it was, or continue the unfolding, the excavating and the renewal. Both hurt, and so I chose to move forward. I continue to choose to let myself be gutted and let me tell you: it’s profoundly humbling. I choose to die to my own ways and desires and lay it all down for what the Lord has. All that has allowed me to discover this eternal hope that rises from the ashes of suffering. No matter how deep a hole I find myself in, there is no depth I can reach that cannot be raised. I choose to become the person He needs me to be.

RE: the middle east

The world I had never been to and yet had known was there all along.

I read the news every day. I choose not to be hardened by the pain and suffering of the world, simply because there is so much of it. Instead, I choose to keep my heart soft.

Amid the Middle East conflict, I can have tea with our Kurdish friends. I can sit with someone who was imprisoned for treason during the Turkish military coup and hear their story. I was housed and fed by Muslims in Oman, while Muslims continue to be persecuted around the world. I am rewriting the stories I have been told with what I am now experiencing: unmatched hospitality, undeserved kindness, and pure joy.

So, I know I am a small human occupying my spot in the fathomless milky way; one smiling face amid a bazillion others inhabiting this pale blue dot that is Earth. And yet, I’m simply here to love and be loved, to break down the walls and instead build bridges. I’m grateful to be in the Middle East in such a time as this and sure as heck feel safe here. My identity as a child of the King is bigger than my security on this lil blue dot.

RE: now

It’s a sweet and beautiful place – a place I now love, in spite of and because of its hardships. The field somehow feels like home to me, like the world of things and busyness and endless options is no longer. All the things I had once taken for granted are now sources of euphoria for me – sleeping in a bed, new toothpaste, working wifi or a stove. Somehow, constantly moving around, meeting new people, and changing cultures, languages and currencies now feels like my normal life, though I know it’s anything from normal.

Dyl, Becca and I in Tibet back in September. So young & naïve. 

RE: what’s left

Which brings me to this telling: the race is like one big ascending hill and I just keep taking one step after the other (an ode to the anthem). I’ve discovered there are people who help heal each other’s wounds, forgive each other’s offenses, share their possessions, foster the spirit of community, celebrate the gifts they have received, and live in constant anticipation of the full manifestation of God’s glory. It’s been wild and fun and wildly hard, but we’re here to make Heaven crowded.

165 days have passed and in another 165 some days I’ll be back stateside. Whatever is going to happen out here will have happened. So, the race has been, I’ve realized, layered and complex, inexplicable and analogous to nothing; full of joy, love, redemption and so many things I don’t even know how to tell you, but will continue to try.

Join me in prayer: Lord, thank you for your firm foundation this journey is built upon; please continue to mark it with your glory and truth. Let our hearts continue to be consumed by your heart for the nations and for the least. Your love is wild, dangerous, fearless and boundless and we want all of it. Use us as your vessels to pour out your love and claim back Holy Ground. Amen.